sigh* stress sucks. i have never EVER known stress...
as in...it hardly..no..didnt exist in my vocab..until this year..
damn the freakin streaming...i didnt even feel stress when i was in p4..p6..
n now, when im only freaking facing the whole level, i feel so stressed i can die..
freaking shit... its so unfair....ok..its fair.. i have never felt so stupid..
as in...the want to just walk out feeling as if nthg happened and succeeding is soooo far away..
urgh..the stupid holiness of it. damn science stream. if i do want to get into university, i HAVE to go to jc...
and the only way to go to jc is to take the freaking bloody science stream damn it!
i wish there was never something like this. everyday, i find myself competing just to get good grades.
how competitive can life get, seeing all my friends do well without even moving just makes me want to wonder how stupid i can get. i cant afford to get any position less than 40. my friends know it, my parents know it, my relatives know it and most obviously, i know it. its just so stressed.. its taking the toll on me. im getting sick and i mean really sick of this whole science stream thing and the total competitivness of it. i have never felt so stupid in my whole life... as in..sec 1, it was nothing. so easy to get above 40. but final yr...31 or smthg.. so what chance do i have now? none. i dont think i'll ever get in 3/1. as in.. as much as i would want to, i think i have to go to 3/2. i dont want that. as much as i know that i would know most of the people there, sure thing, i would feel so...out. as in... 2/1 to 3/2? i think i would rather go to 3/3 than to actually humble myself to go to 3/2. for me now, there is no choice. its either 3/1 or nothing. how horrid can that get? so sucks...sigh*
know, i can only watch my life fade past and pray read hard. i really don't know why im so stupid. as in..!!! i cant get math. can hardly get science while here i m, getting A1s for my humanities. its just so ironic! i want to go to science stream when im stuck here, excelling in the wrong thing! how bad can that get? horrid... urgh..have a strong desire to just want to break free. here at not so smarty bgss, im already fighting for my dear academic life. what will happen when i enter the real world? now it seems, that being retarded or born with a silver spoon stuck in my freaking throat is the best way out. sigh* life is cruel. i swear im depressed. as in..im so not hyper like i used to be. now its all study study study. i cant seem to get what i used to get. math is just killing me now. i need to get an A1 and damn me if i dont. i need.... i duno... about...10 more marks or smthg? im not sure. but i know im freaking close to an A1 and curse me if i dont improve. all my hard work would be for nothing. doing hundreds of algebraic questions and countless practicies, i think im gona go bonkers if i dont improve. all the math olympiad.. an insight to A math. something that i really enjoy..all the formulas, they phytegares theorum. it will all go to waste! i really want to get into the bloody science stream and do A math. so the only thing now? isolate myself. nerd. be stressed as ever. and just NERD and don't care. unlike some people, i cant just study last min. im not built for that. so much for peer pressure. totally feeling some negative ones. don't study. study so early for what? urgh...this is so hard. i must nerd. for my sake. in the academic world, its not about your friends. its not about the school. its about yourself and everyone in the hall is an enemy. take their advice and commit suicide. the only thing important is youself and yourself. nothing more is important. peer pressure in the academic world is evil. be it look positive or negative. there are plenty of backstabbers in this world. half are from the people you know. thank god i still have god to confide in. gosh..i wonder y the bible looks so spiritual. when i read it, i feel...free. no wonder its holy. provides peace and calms my nerves. sigh* shall. must. nerd.